Friday, January 23, 2015

LTS: Forgiving One's Self

I miss the old days... when all you cry about is that your parents wouldn't allow you to play outside... or when all you worry about is passing an exam... when all you do in most of your free time is sing your favorite tune... but life moves on... you become mature (you think)... mindful of what you say and do... getting your work done on time... doing the best that you can do in your work and your relationships. In all these, I somehow feel caged within the bounds of the realm which was created both by the people around us and by ourselves. I feel that I need to set myself free... and in order to do this, I need to know what keeps me in bondage.

Sometimes, all we can do is to submit a prayer to the Lord.
I started comparing myself now from before when I felt like nothing can break me. What was that I had before that I don't have now? And I realized that it was the other way around... I don't have work then and I never loved someone then. I generally felt stronger because I never experienced anything yet that made me vulnerable. No one knows me deep enough to know my weakness.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I made mistakes... and I admit those mistakes. You failed the expectations of the person you love most... and in turn, your expectations too. I can hear someone say let it go and move on. But what should one do when you are not forgiven? With that, how can one forgive one's self? In your heart, you feel unloved... and unworthy of someone's love.

In starting to love myself again, I have to accept that there are things that I cannot change. There are expectations and plans that you set yourself that cannot be, maybe, or will never be fulfilled. I just have to accept God's plan for me and to trust in His forgiveness. Easier said than done and I know this will still be a long way to go... a way to forgiveness... and a way to loving one's self again.

I whisper to God this prayer (by Reinhold Niebuhr):
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.